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"I was bullied at school for being white...Now I'm in a much bigger world"- Rihanna
That quote (and the Barbados free Press article where i read it) got me thinking about the intersections of race, colour, class and gender in the Caribbean. These are the thoughts that rushed around in my head as i read it:
Even when we remind ourselves of just how fluid and contested race is we fail to reveal that race is in itself a fiction.
When we refuse to see the difference between historical racial privilege and racial slurs we foreclose on any opportunity to dismantle the fiction of race.
And when we recognise race as constructed we refuse to see its construction does not make it any less "real".
Isn't the suggestion that Barbados is some backward small-minded racist society in contrast to a bigger, wider, "global" community devoid of racism and colour prejudice not only ridiculously inaccurate but naive?
What have been the effects of Caribbean countries such Jamaica and the Dominican Republic representing themselves as more "brown" than they really are? Who gets included? Who's left excluded?
Does a majority black government in Barbados translate into a monolithic, hegemonic blackness?
What kinds of images(fictions) of black women does the international media produce?
Barbados is made up of many closed communities, bounded by race/colour, class and nationality. Is there are real interest in crossing these boundaries or are we happy with the way things are?
Isn't this small island a very big prison at times?
Am i being defensive? What is there to defend?
i'm baaaaaaaaaaack! (Oh Yeah and a brief comment on the "Girls Gone Wild" video)
Well the call-in programmes were apparently ablaze with moral outrage after Lil Rick's Girls Gone Wild video aired on local TV. Luckily my allergy to call-in programmes kept me away from it all. I have, however, been reading electronic message boards and as many of the youtube comments as my sensitive stomach could stand. Opinions seem split between those who thinks it's degrading to women and those who view the video as some national symbol of local ingenuity and pride. While i recognise that by now everybody has forgotten about the video and are busy talking about the next threat to public morals i'll go ahead and give my opinion anyway because this is my comeback post!!!
There is something about the video that i find unsettling. And its not the wukking-up. i too enjoy a good (or bad) wuk up myself.
i love the lil rick song. It's a great celebration of female sexuality and of the way in which women enjoy themselves and their bodies and of how the popularity of these soca tunes depends on female approval. So just how did the song go from all that to lazy stock images filtered through a male gaze? And just where does all of the nationalist imagery fit in this made-for-tv male fantasy?
Well, if you happen to stumble across this page let me now what you think of the video.
Goodbyes
this may very well be my last post.
i've found new avenues for my writing, what is known in universityspeak as "coursework", and having the good fortune of being a fulltime student with a fulltime job and a lil side hustle has left me dog-tired- too tired to be depressed, too tired to even write about being depressed if i were.
So no more sleep-inducing jeremiads from me about just how sorry i feel for myself. Right now i am happy- an emotion i have always distrusted but i'm enjoying it and not looking back.
If at any point should this tenuous grip i have on happiness, hope and sanity slip away i shall be back for more public brooding.
In the meantime i'm working on keeping my grades up, trying to write creatively again and discovering that life can be wonderful and beautiful after all when you learn (or endeavour to learn) to accept and celebrate self.
Kinda on vacation
i'll be travelling so i probably won't update the blog until end of September, all depends on my access to the internet and actually having something to say ;)
Blackface?
At the risk of getting cussed or being accused of not getting it (maybe i don't) i just gotta ask why is a Bajan performer smearing his face brown/black and pretending to be a Guyanese (of East Indian origin i presume based on the allusions to curry) named John Mahahmeed??
Over at the Boyce Voice there's a socacast and a photo, so you can have a look (and a listen)and let me know if this "Curry Wine" leaves a bad taste in your mouth as well.
While the Barbados Free Press pointed out the politicking and photo opportunities involved in giving away $1M worth of weed-wackers i'm curious as to just how effective the programme has been so far.
Back when i was 15, my boyfriend at the time (also 15), frustrated with education masterminded a plan to get wealthy cutting lawns. And since these guys don't rev up the weed-wacker for less than $40 it might have been a good plan, had hundreds? of young men not apparently had the same brilliant idea. His motivation, and i suspect that the boys on the block feel the same way, was that working for oneself and when one felt like it provided a certain freedom that you could not get say, working in an industrial park or in an office all day. And so i wonder if the decision to lime on the block and work casually/part-time or not work at all is one born out of privilege and not out of marginalisation.
On Depression and Faith
This is the beginning of the rest of my life. (This opening line is quite corny, but bear with me, please.)
Ever since i have decided to quit the woe-is-me attitude and start taking charge of my life the universe has been working to help me.
Only recently i met up with two former neighbours and when they asked about my creative writing the sheer embarrassment of having to admit that i have not really written anything in three years was enough to guilt me into writing again (or at least thinking about it because i am yet to ketch a vaps).
i also bumped into one of my former lecturers and when i told him what i'd been doing for a living for the past three years he reacted as though i had alluded to something involving circus animals and transactional sex. This was enough to remind me that if i'm not where i want to be it is up to me to do something about it. And while i don't think i've played the hand i've been dealt badly i must admit that i really do expect more out of life.
i recognise depression as the paralysing, destructive force that it is and i will not let it suck me in (again). There is nothing else to do but step out in faith and work hard; and on those days when everything that possibly can go wrong does go wrong i know that they are people who are rooting for me- people i didn't even think cared.
As i viewed the slide show of Europe's Young Entrepreneurs- all under 26 and managing successful businesses- i noticed that many of them started businesses while they were still teenagers. It got me thinking about just who are the Caribbean's Top Young Entrepreneurs and to what extent does our education system stifle creativity and discourage entrepreneurship.
Over at WeblogBahamas they have been asking similar questions.
i also have dreams of owning my own business and sometimes i wonder if entrepreneurial spirit is either something you have or you don't.
Media HISteria and Irresponsibility
Recently we've been talking about just how irresponsible the media can be and as if on cue another example of media irresponsibility and sensationalism landed right in our laps. This one is closer to home. Consider these two Nation headlines both from articles posted this year:
The first story is about the owner of a private medical lab who reported that some 31% of men who come to the lab for DNA testing (obviously men who had reason to doubt paternity in the first place) turned out not be be the real fathers. Well, of course the Nation spin and the one the grabbed popular opinion and was much repeated in office lunch rooms and rum shops and perhaps on the call-in programmes (but i don't listen to those so i wouldn't know) was that here was concrete evidence of a National Put-Pun Conspiracy orchestrated by us wily women.
The second story helps us to put all this jacket HISteria into perspective (and exposes the sensationalism and responsibility of the newspaper):
Men appearing before the court for failure to maintain their children are screaming, "I demand a paternity test!" in order to delay proceedings and get this, in 99% of cases these men prove to be the real fathers.
It is obvious to see the sensationalism that sells newspapers at work but i'm also seeing something else about the way gender relations are dealt with in the media.
Foogled!
i always get a laugh at the terms people will type into google in search of their very specific perversion or interest. Imagine the disappointment of those persons who keep googling "bajan women are taking over" and end up landing on my blog!
Searches for "bajan girls having sex" have also pointed people my way. Ironic isn't it?
Another Bajan Blog
Via The Bajan Reporter i found out that Peter Boyce of MADD has a blog about entertainment, Crop Over and Calypsonians (mostly from the Bacchanal Time Tent).
While the disclaimer at the top of the blog will make you wonder if Boyce is twelve years old, his profile photo shows that he most definitely is not! He's been blogging up a storm over there so check it out if you're interested.
Ras Iley on radio
i usually don't like local radio because, and i admit that this may be an unfair criticism, there seems to be little between the extremes of whiny, idle complainers on call-in programmes and jukeboxes where the news is grudgingly given a little space.
Anyway, i was listening to HOTT 95.3 and veteran Ras Iley was in the studio with Jon Doe for an intelligent and fun interview that to me did more to hype the Crop Over Festival than well, anything else to date. Plus Ras Iley's new tune Thanks and Praise fresh but with a certain old-school niceness rounded off the interview fittingly.
Time for me to check out the Crop Over events!
What else is there to do on a Sunday?
got very tired of my old blogger template, contemplated switching to wordpress but decided that just changing the header would be a lot easier, spent hours on computer creating sloppy header in Paint! have not yet had bath. actually left the house yesterday and it seems i'm beginning to actually enjoy socialising again. there is still hope for me yet! depression is a bitch!
Kami of And still i rise tagged me with the Thinking Blogger Award even though you would not think i deserved it judging from this post alone! i'm tagging Genie of Colonise This! because even the title of her blog makes you think!
feeling eerily and inexplicably upbeat, strange for me, but i like it!
Hair we go again...
Asked if a black Dominican woman can be considered beautiful in her country, Hernández leapt to her feet.
"You should see how they come in here with their big asses!'' she said, shuffling across her office with her arms extended behind her back, simulating an enormous rear-end. "They come in here thinking they are all that, and I think, 'doesn't she know she's not really pretty?' "
And to some of the women who relax their hair, it's simply a way to have soft manageable hair in the Dominican Republic's stifling humidity.
"It's not self-hate," Candelario said. "Going through that is to love yourself a lot. That's someone saying, ‘I am going to take care of me.' It's nationalist, it's affirmative and celebrating self."
i am becoming the Red Plastic Bag of blogging, tossing a mix of topics into the bag and trying to pass it off as a well thought-out blog post...
And speaking of calypso, some tent managers are unhappy with the criticism the standard of music has been receiving. i'll agree with them 100% that this year there is definitely less hype about Crop Over. In fact, i haven't even been to any of the tents and i usually go. This year, i'm just not feeling it, the vibe isn't there and while there are a few notable exceptions the cumulative impact of the music on the radio is depressing. i don't care what they fuse calypso with but at least make good music. i think it was a Nation journalist (but i just can't seem to find the link) who made the point that it's the Crop Over Festival and not the Crop Over Calypso Festival and artists can make whatever kind of music they want. However, calypso has always been the heartbeat of the festival. And if people just aren't feeling the vibe then the quality of the music may very well have something to do with it. Just a thought...
what would it say about me if i were to respond favourably to this message?
hi wat's up? i jus happen to cum accross ur profile n u seem like ah pritty nice person to have the chance of knowing, so am wondering if it would b aight... for us to b-cum friends n have ah chat sometime? so how about u give my message some taught n if u accept we would take it from there.
Daz a real msg sum1 left me @hi5 i found it funny but mayB that is bc am not hip. plus am single and very :) & defanately not lookin!!! (even if i was looking before, a message like that does a lot to discourage!)
exercise update: i've been fired! it's been over a month since i went to the gym and my gym partner fired me! no possibility of reconciliation, nothing! that she is also my best friend of 15 years makes it all the more painful. (i'm trying to guilt her into taking me back, will let you all know if it works)
Where are the victims' rights advocates?
This post had been sitting as a draft for quite a long time and i just didn't have the time to edit it, i was going to toss it in with my update post but i think it deserves to stand alone.
A number of men responsible for some heinous murders committed largely against women and one "well-known" homosexual are to appear in court again aided by the local Mercy Committee in fighting their "indefinite sentences" which have been deemed unconstitutional.
i remember one case very well- that of Gloria Blanche, a school girl who was beaten to death in 1989. i remember her death causing a deep sense of grief in my family, my parents returning visibly shaken from her funeral and my mother describing it as the only time she ever saw my father cry. i have never forgotten the case (i was about 8 years old at the time), nor Gloria's name- and she was not even a relative of mine. So what of her family? How do they feel now knowing that the person responsible for this most senseless and gruesome murder may be released from prison? Where are the victims rights advocates who could testify to the deep psychic wounds that remain long after the crime?
unputdownable!(did i spell that correctly, i'm a bit tired): Antiguan Marie- Elena John's debut novel, ambitious in scope, every short chapter a polished jewel spuring you on to the next. A riveting story of three generations of women that mixes past and present, myth and Caribbean storytelling traditions. Did i mention that it is easily among the best books i've ever read? A Caribbean classic!!!
overheard at the doctor's office: 7 year-old grandson says to grandmother (who like me has been waiting 3+ hours to see the doctor) as he points to a twentysomething girl who just walked in and is allowed to see the doctor immediately:
"Granny you got a bad food, a bad eye, high blood pressure and diabetes, da girl musee only got a headache! Das why we in hey so long!"
it would have been funny if it weren't so depressing.
The way a woman walks: A co-worker recently said to me "I see you walking around here like a lioness, where do you worship?" When i then told her of my allergy to churches she replied, "if you're walking around like that now imagine what you would be like when you are walking in the light/have the Holy Ghost inside you"...something to that effect...i'm somewhat short on christian cliches.
It reminded me of something that happened very early in the year i spent in a small city of Colombia. A well-meaning girl pulled me aside and told me that a negra (black woman) just did not walk the way that i do, unless of course she was a beauty queen or something and that my walk could perhaps account for most of the cross-cultural friction i was experiencing.
i think what they are getting at is confidence. The irony is that some days my self-confidence is exceptionally low. i'm just trying to make the best of my life, figuring it out and making it up as i go along. But yes, some days i do step high- those are the good days... or maybe it's just the heels!
i watched "What My Mother Told Me" by British/Trinidadian film-maker Frances-Anne Solomon recently and the film resonated with me so much so that "haunt" is perhaps a better word to describe its impact than "resonate".
Exquisitely beautiful and profoundly moving, WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME is a dramatic journey towards self discovery. The story focuses on Jesse, a young woman from England, who goes to Trinidad to bury her father. Reluctantly she agrees to meet her mother, whom she thought had abandoned her when she was a child. Her mother tells her stories, revealing a troubled and violent marriage, and Jesse is forced to face the truth about her past. WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME cleverly evokes complex connections between history, memory, violence and cultural identity.(from Youtube.com)
makes me regret not going to see A Winter Tale during the Bridgetown Film Festival.
i won't bother to complain about the fact that much of local and Caribbean cinema remains inaccessible to the majority of Caribbean people. somehow they figure that we would rather see failed American sitcoms than our own people on screen.
i haven't been blogging much lately and when i do it's mostly about something in the press that pisses me off and not about me. not that anyone needs or wants to read an itemised list of everything i did/ate/read/overheard. not like this would make a long or impressive list anyway. avoiding a pound-for-pound list of everything i ate this week divided by caloric content and nutritional value, i'll recap my week for you (and fulfill my self-absorbed need to brood).
in the air: Crop Over. and so far i've heard one song i like. feeling like i would jump on kadooment day.
good news!: i'll be starting an Mphil programme in September.
decisions: should i risk two years of scrunting and poverty and the other ascetisms of student life or should i keep my job, study part-time and perhaps never get out of my current profession and maybe never finish my research (but have a lil money in my pocket at the end of the day) and never make that much-desired career change and never get into a PhD programme and feel like a complete failure??? *breathe*
review:good week, got in three days of exercise, feeling really committed to living a healthy life.(see, i didn't mention what i ate, especially since i fell off the vegetarian wagon on Friday).
observation: time really flies and whether or not you're having fun.
brooding (thought i'd forgotten it didn't ya?):i'm seeing this as part two of my life, as a second chance, i've teetered on the edge (of absolute lunacy) and haven't yet fallen off so it's about time i got that passion and fire back inside me- the kind that only comes from doing what you love, what you're good at and what you're passionate about. and now that i've found out just what that is, and there's nothing standing in my way (except financial ruin, perhaps) i should just follow my spirit.(and find creative ways to pay my bills, like selling my hair or something).
A friend remarked recently that one of my former teachers said that i seemed to have lost some of my fire ( or something ilike that i can't remember exactly, was too busy trying to conceal the obvious meltdown that the comment provoked). That comment troubled me because i knew it to be true. i'd changed, i'd become exhausted, depressed, passive and complaining (well, maybe i'd always been complaining). but i'm getting my fire back!
(was going for a list but ended up with paragraphs, have never been very good at PowerPoint, maybe this is why i am so unsuitable for the world of work).
TMI: felt horny for the first time in nearly a year ( could this have been precipitated by seeing Isaac Blackman? he inspires the most impure thoughts, must remember to say a prayer for all the young virgins *cough* who'll be drooling over him at Gospelfest). did i mention that June marks my one year celibacy anniversary? coming up: too many deadlines, vacation, personal happiness?
of course in the Caribbean we would never tell our girls that heterosexuality is not compulsory, that being especially vulnerable to the HIV virus means that we as women must be especially careful and what would it matter if we did (correct me if i'm wrong but i'm yet to see an AIDS awareness message to that effect)?
how much choice, how much equity is there really when you are a fourteen year-old girl in a 'relationship', when much of this early sexual activity stems from abuse.
The abuse of children cannot take place without the silent complicity of others. UPDATE: Reported HIV cases in Barbados from 1984 to Dec 2005
Since these are cumulative figures it is not possible to know how many are recent/new cases.
In the 15-19 age group there were 110 reported cases: 79 female and 31 male.
In the 20-24 age group there were 312 reported cases: 173 female, 134 male and 5 of unknown/unreported sex.
In the 25-29 age group there were 433 reported cases: 177 female, 250 male, 6 of unknown/unreported sex.
Taken from the Nation Newspaper (i'm trying to scan the table).
What we eat must carry a lot of the blame. As much as we bemoan the high cost of living much of our import bill goes on North American snacks, packaged goods, tinned meats and ice cream which obviously we could all do without. If you eat out your choices are somewhat limited to the ubiquitious macaroni pie, white rice and greasy stews and gravies, and fried chicken. (Barbados second-largest consumer of chicken (per capita) in the world.)
Since i began trying to improve my health I was able to cut calories just by drinking water (instead of sweet drinks and juices), eating vegetables, soups and lean meats and ignoring the snacks.
i haven't stepped on the scale as yet because i'm trying to change my lifestlye not just count down the pounds. But already i feel better. i've begun weight training. i go to the gym exhausted from work and a very demanding personal trainer, an exercise partner who has threatened to divorce me the second i lag and the GREAT feeling i get afterwards are what keep me going when all i want to do is curl up with a book. Little things, like replacing sugary juices with water, macaroni pie and fried foods with steamed vegetables and learning to cook for myself have made a difference. And of course the most important thing is to keep going (even if you fail at first), keeping running, walking, dancing, just MOVE!
*The WHO's definitions of "overweight" and "obese" are based on an individual's body mass index (BMI), which measures weight relative to height. Overweight is marked by a BMI greater than or equal to 25 and obese is defined as having a BMI greater than or equal to 30.
Two women are dead...
Two women are dead (and one is missing). In the wake of these murders the Nation Newspaper ran an article with the sole purpose of telling us, ad nauseum, just how beautiful one of the murdered women was, right down to describing her "green eyes". In the same edition as that most pointless article appeared one which featured the comments of two MPs chastising feminists and women's rights groups for not speaking out against domestic violence.
Now today, the Nation goes and calls up The Godfather of Barbadian Misogyny and interviews him on domestic violence. The Godfather says pretty much what he has been saying since he founded MESA (Men's Educational and Support Association), that men are abused too, arguing that, get this, because this one just boggles the mind, "that women had greater access to education and employment and as such, were in greater control and were also subjecting men to verbal, emotional, as well as physical abuse." It gets even more ridiculous, two women are dead and he wants to know where are the shelters for men.
I'll be the first to admit that there has been a deafening silence on issues that affect women. But the media has tried its best to air men's concerns (READ complaints about women) and every time we try to talk about issues that affect women the Nation will run an article with the heading "Men Too!"
Domestic violence is not just a women's issue, it's not just feminists who should be outraged. Our state managers and policy makers as well as the media need to create an environment where we can discuss domestic violence and poverty and other issues that disporportionally affect women without being silenced by the "Men Too" argument.
If women's voices are drowned out by the loud chorus of sexist BS that passes for public discourse on gender then the same media that is using the tragedy of two women's deaths to sneer at women's rights groups must bear some of the responsibility for that silence.
Public Service Announcement
Wukking up (wining, grinding, jukking, pooching back, hot wuk/fu*k or any other of its myriad permutations) = proxy sex.
A very simple equation.
The jury is still out on whether or not it qualifies as Culture.
Be guided accordingly.
A lot has been said about Akon and his "dance" on stage with a 14 year-old girl. If we could take her age out of the equation would it still be "rape" and "degrading and disrespectful to women"? Yes, Akon was perhaps a bit over-zealous and dishonest (there being no trip to Africa) but just how does his performance differ from that of many of our Caribbean performers or your average drunken revellers at Crop Over or Carnival; or that of the dancers in the latest passa passa video?
If Akon has disrespected us it means we have been disrespecting ourselves for quite a long time.
I think many of us are too shocked to see our own prejudices.
A Pervert is a Person in Your Neighbourhood
"Hello??? men do this, alright. And what were you doing sleeping with your bedroom window open anyway??? You gotta get a man to sleep wid you at night!"
I woke up to find a hand pulling back my bedroom curtains just as i rose to my feet. In a flash the hand was gone and i went to the bathroom then went right back to sleep without alerting anyone and without even closing the window (i have burglar bars).
Maybe i should have known better than to sleep with my windows open since nearly every night for a year while i was in secondary school we received visits from a peeping-tom followed by visits from the police. But maybe it was this constant harassment that let me sleep so easily after the peeping-tom made a comeback (or maybe this is a new up-and-coming pervert?).
The Jamaica Gleaner reports that rape is a major problem at UWI Mona. It's been 3 years since i left Cave Hill Campus and sexual harassment was definitely a problem then especially for those women who lived around campus and were subjected to voyeurs, onanists and exhibitionsits and police officers who asked them if they enjoyed the show the guy was putting on for them.
i fear that we have come to accept and accomodate these behaviours instead of trying to put an end to them.
